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| We all start the same (small and fluffy) and so does Friendship! |
Friendship is a dichotomy comprised of completely random happenstance, and a special fellowship that's absolutely wonderful in its predictability. Friendships begin with the unknown. We find ourselves in new places, new circumstances, or just in the company of a person we don't know very well. Either we want to talk, or we don't. Either they want to talk, or they don't. Both people begin with heads full of questions: Do I like this person? Will they like me? Are we alike? Do we like the same things?
Those last two questions actually mean very little when it comes to the activity of being friends. All that is truly required for a true, lasting friendship is a willingness to unconditionally like the other person. You don't have to agree on everything to be friends. You don't have to watch the same shows, live in the same town, eat the same sorts of food, let alone have the same ancestral background or state citizenship.
When it comes down to it, we are all the same: human beings in desperate need of love and acceptance. That is really all we need to be happy in life: Love, and Acceptance. Love in this context is often misinterpreted to mean a meaningful and lasting romantic relationship with a member of our preferred gender. This is not true. While a romantic relationship can add to the quality of one's life, it can also detract, and it has no bearing on a person's identity, value, worthiness, selfhood, etc. etc. Love, in its pure, most basic form, suffices on its own without and before physical attachment. "There is no other condition, for Love makes no demands. What is already whole and complete is in need of nothing (ACIM).
When we think of a friend or a group of friends with love in our hearts, and feel that soft glow of joy and recognition, andin that moment, we are all glimpsing Infinity. At our centers, we are all the same -- friendship enables us to "see" this truth.
(Friendships are also Infinite because you can never, ever run out of people to strike up a conversation with. ;)
Vicarious Self-Expression
Life would be far less interesting without friends, and without a diversity of friends! I've known and loved people from all walks of life. Childhood was the best, because we were all thrown into a classroom together and told to get along. Fortunately, I attended a school with a highly diverse population, both in terms of socio-economics and ancestry. I knew lawyers' kids and war-torn refugees. The Mom of one of my early besties sewed my chin back up after I fell and busted it open on a tile showroom floor. The Mom of another of my grade-school friends literally carried him across the border from North to South Korea, praying he would stay quiet so the soldiers wouldn't hear. She made it, and I benefited from her bravery and his presence in my life.
Growing up a white kid, I could imagine growing up to be a Doctor. But a refugee? If I hadn't have met and known Varman at such an early age, would I have assumed that the children of war were somehow so different from myself as to be avoided? Thank God, I've never felt that was true. Varman wasn't the only child of national-aggressions that I knew. My best friend for several years (and we're still friends today!) is the daughter of a warring nation. While it's true that I hope to never fully relate to much of her or her family's experience, I would never give up the lessons I learned about integrity and family from befriending her.
But back to the point. We looooooooove experiencing life through our friends! We laugh together at a joke from one, we cry together at another's sorrow, we get super-excited together when one of us "finds" romance. Inevitably, we live out the parts of our own lives that we feel are missing through our friends'.
Her Story is My Story*
I have a friend whose circumstances are far different from mine. In practically every major way. We are both female, we both speak English, we both love Facebook, we both spent a year at the same school at the time time. The first time I met her, I accepted her with open arms, because I could tell she was going to like me back. Hee!
We became best friends that year, and we're still best friends. So her story is my story. I have lived through her as much as she's lived through me. Today, and for many thousands of days, we have been divided by a twelve-to-thirteen hour time difference. We never see each other in person. We have very different families with different expectations. We have different knowledge sets, degree fields, and employment histories. We have very different dating histories. When we do happen to be on the same continent, I hate to shower after her because strands of her thick, black hair are visible against the porcelain while my thin, delicate hair is invisible (until you sweep up a whole wad of it with a vacuum). But we also have a ton of similarities. We both sing, we're both geeks, we were both fat in high school. I can't imagine my life without her role in it.
She's struggling hard right now. On all levels the major levels. Work, relationships, family, personal time -- there is no work-life balance for her because there is no balance at all. Given the culture, economy, and government that she lives under, she has very few options that do not involve capitulating to a lifestyle that we Westerners would consider oppressive. Because it is. She is within the "axis of evil" after all.
And so, everyday, I joke with her on Facebook, we share funny pictures, we gab about tv shows, music and celebrities, we relive all the times we've managed to be on some continent together, because those were some of the Best times. But mostly, we don't talk too much about the substantial things. After so many years, I fear that my endless words of hope and encouragement will sound trite, like a tired old skipping record that every day becomes a little more like white noise and a little less like words. My heart goes out to her, as far as it can go, and everyday I hope that is enough.
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| The slippery slope is often an illusion. |
I know that she can make it through this long, dark time. And I know that other people out there among my friends (irl and virtual!) must know (or be) people who have made it through longer, darker tunnels.
What stories can you help me share, what words can you offer to pass along to my friend?
Life is indeed a tunnel, but sometimes it can feel more like a downward spiral. Both are circles, whole and complete, when viewed from either end. She needs help looking at the spiral from the top (or from the bottom up!) -- and so do I.
*Note to my college friends: I am well aware of the struggles facing one of our fellow alums, whose young son has just been flown back to St. Judes after yesterday's discovery that his brain tumor has grown. I love and support them both and their family, and this post is not meant in any way to take away from their ongoing battle against cancer. She and her son are surrounded by love; they have a huge support network over 3,000 strong that are sending her tens and hundreds of messages of encouragement on a daily basis. It warms my heart, and I have shared many such messages myself! My friend described in this post, however, has little to no support support network, and the people in her immediate daily life have few if any supportive words for her; rather, several of them want to break her down such that she capitulates to their vision for her life: married to a chauvinistic man, pregnant and in the kitchen. She has few options and most of them are unhappy ones. Please send her your support too.
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